For the past week, I’ve been scrutinizing this crumpled list and carrying it around to numerous chain stores and mom-and-pop shops in search of the binders, notebooks, pens and pencils that meet its rigid specifications.
In my attempt to track down the required items, I’ve cursed at this list (why does the glue stick have to be PURPLE?). I’ve witnessed other parents as dazed and confused as myself cursing at their lists.
And I've reached a conclusion. Behind this seemingly innocent piece of paper is a hidden agenda. This back-to-school ritual of procuring student supplies is one thing and one thing only. A giant “f*#k you” from teachers to parents.
Oh, yes. Believe you, me. It’s payback, pure and simple. Teachers want the final days of summer vacation to be as miserable as possible for parents. Because all too soon (and not soon enough!) it will be their turn to deal with our little darlings.
“You think you can hand your brat over to us that easily? Not so fast! Before he'll even be allowed to step foot in my classroom, you must stalk down a ONE-subject, WIDE-ruled, SPIRAL-notebook. PERFORATED. And may you shiver in your shorts in the over-air conditioned supermarket aisle, desperately rifling through notebook after notebook until you find EXACTLY the right kind.”
“And you. That’s right, YOU! How dare you leave your back-to-school shopping until the very last minute? What, did you have a tennis match or something? Well, don’t even THINK about having a Labor Day weekend. You will search the picked-over shelves of every office supply store within a 30-mile radius for four sets of binder dividers. That’s right, four! With WRITE-ON LABELS! Because anything else just won’t DO!”
Now, a saner person might say I'm reading a little too much into this. That it's time to get a grip. And I might have to agree because 11 a.m. really is too early to be feeling the need for a glass of wine, isn’t it? So let me take a closer look at this list. All right. Maybe it's simply meant to be a guide. It's entirely possible that the 4” by 6” COLORED index cards don’t have to be SPIRAL-BOUND.
Big Man, watching TV in the living room, overhears my attempt at positive self-talk. Without taking his eyes from the screen, he says with the wisdom gleaned from three years of middle school, “You really should get what they tell you to get."
"Why is that, honey?" (Finally! The method to this madness is about to be revealed!)
In his best "don't ask, don't tell" tone, he answers, "It’s just better that way.”
And the voices start up again.
“What, Chloe??? Your notebook is THREE subjects???!! It doesn’t have perforated pages???!! To the shark-tank!!!”
“Excuse me, Max? Just who do you think you are??? Your D-ring binders are 1.5 inches not the specified 2 inches???!! Call the guards!!!"
Looks like I'll be making one more trip to Staples. Right before I check myself in.
3 comments:
LOL! But, before you check yourself in, have the glass of win!
You just wait until high school! Here, you don't get the supply lists until the first weeek of school. (1/2 the first day and 1/2 the second day since we have block scheduling). Talk about empty shelves! I'm dreading it!
Great piece!
I know, Rob! Big Man is a freshman this year. I'll be back at Staples (yet again) come Thursday night. Just shoot me now!!!!!
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